I've got something to Cher...

It's been a long time since I've posted, but hopefully this will make up for my absence, for I come bearing the gift of Cher. I watched her stunning Biography on Biography a couple of weeks ago and it inspired me to want to write something about how much I've always loved Cher and what an amazing human being she is (I'm pretty sure she's human, at least), and I'm finally getting around to that. It was hard to figure out what I wanted to write about since there are so many awesome things about her to say, so be forewarned that I might be breaking this up into a couple of parts. 

The first thing I would say about Cher is that everything she touches turns to gold. Kind of literally, actually. Gold with like, feathers and sequins and beads. One thing I find amazing is how she can wear the most whore-ish get-up imaginable, yet she still manages to come across as kind of glamorous.

Case in point.

Another amazing thing is how she sings songs that she didn't even write or experience, but she belts them out like what she's singing about was happening to her right at that moment. The best song to illustrate this phenomenon is "Half-Breed". This song rules so hard. It is so damn solemn, you'd think this was a page ripped straight from Cher's diary, but it totally isn't. Someone else wrote this song for her, and she isn't even an Indian. But that only serves to reinforce the overall brilliance. It would be boring in a way if it were true. Also adding to the brilliance is the grandiose orchestra blasting away in the background. It just kicks the quality of the song up at least a million notches. The part of the song that Cher most turns to gold, though, is of course the words of the song itself, and how she delivers them, particularly: "The other children always laughed at me/ 'Give her a feather, she's a Cherokee'" and "The Indians said that I was white by law/ the white man always called me Indian squaw". The best parts of the song for me are the pounding drums at the beginning that sound like a pow wow going on, and the end when she belts out "Both sides were against me since the day I was born!" The other best parts of the song are everything else in between the beginning and the end. She sings the whole song in such a glass case of fiery emotion, it is so dazzling and hysterical. The video is also apparently filmed in a glass case of fiery emotion, if the crackling flames on the screen at the beginning and end are any indication. I love this video to death: It's just Cher against a white background in soft focus wearing a spectacular headdress and a tube top and underwear made out of silver lamé, sitting on what appears to be a heavily medicated horse, barefoot and emoting straight at the camera. It demands to be seen.

I love her bow at the end, and the roaring applause. I don't think there were even any people around, I think Cher just has the sound of random applause following her wherever she goes.

Here is another sparkly Cher song with her telling a story where I have no idea what is going on at all, while looking amazing and wearing the most staggeringly awesome outfit I have ever seen.

Well, I think that might be enough praise for Cher for today, but I want to leave you pondering one sad little factoid: Before Vicki Lawrence recorded it, the guy who wrote "The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia" had initially offered the song to Sonny Bono to give to Cher, but Sonny foolishly turned it down because he was afraid it would offend Southern people. Man, that is one of the greatest tragedies in music history right there. Cher was robbed.