Stand back, gents and ladies, I’m drunk and insane and I’ve got a gun!!

One time I got the idea to type my name into the iTunes so I could see what all songs with my name were on there, and oh, the results. First of all, everyone with access to some musical instrument seems to feel compelled to record their own special version of the Steely Dan song. I ended up buying about fifteen different songs with “Josie” in the title, and one of them was this one. Truly a diamond in the rough, no lie. I can’t believe this song exists. This is the first time in my life that I’ve been genuinely happy to be named Josie, because if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have ever heard this song, and yes, that would be a bad thing. I’ve “studied” this song a lot, as much as any other song telling a baffling story full of plotholes, and there is so much intense emotion throughout all of it, it has me convinced that it has to be true. I like to imagine it’s true, in any case, and what’s more, I like to imagine that it’s a true story about me. But anyway, one thing I do know for sure about this song: It needs to be way longer than two minutes. There is way too much crammed in here, except for a whole lot of, well, information.

Josie went to the barroom, ordered up a glass of beer
Said, “Tell me the truth, bartender, has my true love been here?”
“He’s my man, but he ain’t come home.”
“I ain’t gonna tell you no secrets, I ain’t gonna tell you no lies.”
“But I saw your man a while ago, and I couldn’t believe my eyes.”
“He’s your man, but he won’t come home.”

Why couldn’t he believe his eyes? Was her man lying in some dark alley naked and covered in questionable bodily fluids and multiple stab wounds? Who knows, and who cares.

Josie drank her beer, ordered up a glass of gin
Said, “Ain’t it a shame, bartender? I’m takin’ to drink again.”
“’Cause he’s my man, but he won’t come home.”

Wow, it appears Josie has a serious drinking problem, and I don’t just mean she’s a problem drinker, I also mean she has a problem drinking properly. Has she never heard the old adage “beer before liquor, never sicker”? Maybe in this case it should be “beer before liquor, leads to manslaughter”.

Josie went down the street, revolver in her hand
Said, “Stand back gents and ladies, I’m lookin’ for my man!”
“He’s my man, but he won’t come home.”

Who says that, “gents and ladies”? Well, I do now, for one, because it’s hilarious. Sometimes the more I hear a song, if there was a part that used to make me laugh when I first heard it, the more I got used to the song it wouldn’t make me laugh as much, but not that “gents and ladies” part. No, every time I listen to this song that “gents and ladies” part still gets me the same as when I heard it for the first time, where I’m just doubled-over in pain from laughing so hard. Actually, the entire song still makes me laugh hysterically like it did when I first heard it. My mom was actually the one who told me he was saying “gents and ladies”. The first, like, ten times I listened to it I thought he was saying “Jensen ladies”, like the name of the town was Jensen and she was addressing the ladies of the town of Jensen. God, I was grasping so hard for some kind of reality. I still am.

Josie saw her lover, and her revolver drew
Then Josie pulled the trigger, shot him through and through
He was her man, but he wouldn’t come home.

Way to go, Josie. This song doesn’t reflect well on me as a Josie, does it? Not all Josies are highly unstable, gun-wielding drunks. I mean, sure, I am, but we’re not talking about me right now.

One thing hurt Miss Josie, one thing made her cry
Standing there in the jailhouse doors, the hearse came rollin’ by
He was her man, but he won’t come home.
Sittin’ in the parlor by an electric fan, pleadin’ with her sister,
“Don’t marry a gamblin’ man! He’ll be your man, but he won’t come home.”

Whoa, slow down, pardner. She goes suddenly from standin’ in the jailhouse doors to sittin’ in the parlor. Does she not have to serve any time for this very public murder that pretty much everyone in the whole town witnessed? Did she murder everyone in the whole town except her sister? I wouldn’t be surprised, she sounds like a pretty clear-cut sociopath.

The part with the fan is yet another part that took me a super long time to figure out what the hell words he was actually saying. I thought she was “buyin’ a ‘lectric fan” for some reason. Again, I had nothing even resembling a clue, and this seemed to make some kind of sense. Seriously, in relation to everything else, I was just like, “Well…I guess it seems plausible within this context that she would all of a sudden be buying an electric fan and that it would be a necessary detail for the story.” It was a necessary enough detail to mention that she was by an electric fan, right? I thought maybe her sister worked in a general store or something and that’s why she was talking to her sister. Speaking of the sister, I don’t think Josie needs to be giving her sister any advice on love or marriage or pretty much anything. Maybe Josie shouldn’t pretend like her situation didn’t have a few problems that might not exist in every relationship, hmm? Like maybe her man wasn’t a-gamblin’ before he married her, but she made him so unhappy with her violent, drunken ways that he just couldn’t stand being around her? Yeah, that sounds about right to me.

I've only been able to find one picture of the guy who does this song, and he kind of reminds me of a goat:

And now, gents and ladies, is the time you to listen to all of this yourself. Which you really should do, because otherwise I'll have to, you know, shoot you.

Josie.mp3